"You Asexual Deviant, You!"

I always hesitate to tell people I am a sadomasochist and a switch.  If you're not up on BDSM lingo, that's someone who can be dominant or submissive.

Why?  It's mostly that I know the moment the words are out of my mouth, they will be misunderstood.  Immediately, listeners' minds will fill with preconceptions based on familiar pop culture references (or even, sometimes, their own experiences).  Most of these preconceptions aren't going to fit me personally.  Others will be totally off base (and genuinely alarming).  Suddenly, the person I am talking to knows less about me than they did before, not more, and I am faced with the daunting task of trying to make them understand.

For a long time, I dissociated myself altogether with the label BDSM for just that reason.  But mostly because of this:

BDSM for me is not about sex.

Can it go nicely with sex?  Sure, lots of things can go nicely with sex, including typical vanilla choices like candlelit dinners, perfume, and dancing.  That doesn't mean dancing, perfume, and dinnertime are exclusively sexual, does it?  Context is everything.  I'm not even asexua (I'm demisexual)l, but my BDSM related thoughts, feelings and urges rarely involve sex.

Asexual Kinksters: Yes, We Do Exist

Kink: (n) A quirk of character or behavior.

That result comes up if you type "Define: kink" into Google.  So far, so good.  BDSM is a kink.

"Define: BDSM" pulls up nothing on Google.  Turn to Wikipedia, and you'll see the word "erotic" in the first sentence on the topic.

See how quickly I hit a snag?  I guess I could try to make up a whole new phrase for my particular kink that happens to be sex-optional, but that seems a bit pointless.

A group called "Asexual & Kinky" has 887 members on Fetlife.  That's a lot of asexual people (and people who simply like BDSM without sex) who talked themselves into joining a social network for kinky people in the hopes of maybe meeting others or keeping up with their local communities.  You can bet there are far MORE people who can relate, but hesitate to raise the subject (or feel too overwhelmed by the pornographic advertising to join the site and turn on their ad blocker).

Remember those Venn Diagram graphic thingies from elementary school?  To explain this mindblowing concept of asexual kink, I've come up with a few Venn Diagrams with pretty red and blue circles.

An elementary school depiction of diversity.

I could do a ton more of these.  Just as not everybody has a BDSM circle (or another kink circle), not everybody has a circle for sex!  For some people the sex circle is larger or smaller.  For some the kink circle is larger or smaller.  The kink circle and sex circle might both be present but not overlap at all.  Some people have a kink circle and no sex circle.  Circles can grow and shrink and appear and disappear or turn into squares or hypercubes or whatever throughout a person's life.

I was talking with a friend recently about cross-dressing, who explained to me that it is frustrating to be faced with other peoples' assumptions.  Some people cross-dress entirely to spice up sex.  For other people, cross-dressing may have absolutely no sexual purpose.  For others still, cross-dressing may be sexual, but also encompass a broader part of gender identity.

It's difficult trying to integrate something "alternative" into your life, knowing that when others look at you, they don't see why it's important to you.  Why?  Because you're judged twice.  First assumptions are made about your motives, and then comes the inevitable judgment on those motives.  It's very stressful.

"What's Going On Here?  You Make No Sense."

Going back to my frustrating Venn Diagram ...

I understand where this reaction comes from.  It comes from people who because of the culture ... or because of their own experiences/not having gotten around ... or Wikipedia ... or whatever reason, have a mental image in their heads that they project on all kinky people.  They may have only ever seen that second Venn Diagram, or the third, or the fourth.  They may never have encountered someone whose circles fall outside their own direct experience.  So they assume that they don't exist.

And no, this doesn't just come from non-kinky folks.  I've encountered this from kinky persons too.

Here's Where I'm Coming From

I'd like to break down the abbreviation

BDSM

Bondage - Domination - Sadism - Masochism

None of those letters stand for "Sex."

• I can tie you up without having sex with you.
• I can order you about without having sex with you.
• I can whip you without having sex with you.
• You can return the favor without me having sex with you.
• 
  

Just to add a couple points:

• The majority of professional dominants do not have sex with their clients.
• Lots of people go to BDSM clubs and parties to get their kink on and not necessarily to have sex.
• Lots of kinksters have large areas outside their overlaps (see Diagram 3)--even if the main area is still the overlap.

This is why I have stopped dissociating myself from the label.  Taken very literally (and not clinically, of course), it accurately describes the quirks in my character - even if the likely snap judgments don't.  Plus, at least this puts me in a more likely position to encounter other people who might understand me or even be compatible.  This is a core part of me, and always has been, and isn't going anywhere.  Even at times I had zero interest in sex, I was still interested in BDSM.  The only times I wasn't were the times I convinced myself Nobody Would Ever Understand and feigned indifference or contempt.  I can't shut myself back in the Nobody-Gets-This box of silence.

To me, sex and BDSM, like conversation or shared hobbies, are just ways to relate to someone.

For me, the "relating" is the most important aspect of any relationship.  If sex fits the relationship, and kink doesn't, I don't want kink in the relationship.  If kink fits the relationship, and sex doesn't, I don't want the sex.  If they both fit, well, two fun things can be fun together, right?  And if neither fit, I don't want either with that person.  We can enjoy something else exciting, like cake or conversation.  

What Do I Get Out of BDSM That Isn't Sex?

So you are probably wondering, "What's all that blue space all about in your Venn Diagram?  What's going on over there if not sex?  What is the appeal/motivation?"

Here are some of my answers:

• Trust.  It's the hardest thing in the world to come by, and when you find it, it's infinitely precious.  Being able to put your trust into someone so wholeheartedly, or be trusted completely, is a wonderful gift.

• Catharsis.  Feeling trapped or hurt is an unavoidable part of life.  Enacting it out as a kind of drama allows it to become something safe and controlled and meaningful--instead of scary, meaningless, and destructive. Nothing can stop bad things from happening to you, but at least a scene provides a kind of temporary safe harbor to find some emotional release.

• Safety/Letting go.  As someone who has a pretty iron grip on life most of the time and feels terrified of being out of control, a break from feeling the need to be in control has undeniable appeal.  Being able to provide someone else a break from all of their worries, equally so.  Many clients who see pro dommes can probably relate to this--especially those who happen to be business execs.

• Art.  Shibari is an aesthetic art as well as a functional one, and many rope bondage enthusiasts are drawn to it in part or in full for artistic reasons.  For that matter, being a good dominant or submissive is an art form.  Being able to walk that fine line on the edge of someone's limits entails 1-educating yourself on what you are doing for safety reasons (there's a reason there are classes for this stuff, and also a reason that a lot of BDSM folks are nerds; you kind of have to be a nerd, at least about BDSM, to do it properly), and 2-learning everything you can about the person you're with.  I like that BDSM requires intense effort, interest, and ongoing consideration in a relationship. 

• Aligning my will with somebody else's.  This is, I suppose, the sort of benefit other people derive from teamwork or from being a member of the armed forces, minus the whole saving-the-world aspect that sometimes goes with the latter.

• Order in a chaotic universe.  Outside, everything may be falling apart, but between two (or more) people with an understanding, there is a calm, controlled environment where things are going to be OK.  Life doesn't usually give a damn if your limits are pushed, violated, or broken, and it can be completely indifferent to what you're experiencing.  BDSM allows two people to create a miniature universe between themselves that is anything but indifferent, and where limits are respected.  Our limits define us in many ways, like outlines in a drawing.  Without them, everything is just empty space.  Maybe this is one reason that for many people, BDSM is a journey of self-discovery.

• Sensation.  I like being in a physical body.  Actually, I think it's fantastic, and I want to make the most of it.  Enough unpleasant things happen to it.  Why would I not want something I can enjoy? There are a lot of sensations that are enjoyable that do not have to entail sexual arousal for me to enjoy them.  I love chocolate and perfume too--but I'm not eating ice cream or sniffing my wrist to get my freak on--even though I could and many people do.  I just love my senses.    

It's an unnerving thing having people look at you like you're a liar or simply insane when you say you're a sadomasochist, but that it's not a sex thing.  It's as though they feel that as long as you're talking about sex, you're safe somehow ... normal, familiar.  They may not be able to relate to your BDSM needs or desires, but they can relate to sex.  Safe is safe.  Sex is familiar.  If you're interested in BDSM for no other reason than Bondage - Domination - Sadism - Masochism ... you must be some sort of a pervert with unusual needs, unsafe needs.  

But that's not true.  Hopefully the list above clears that up a bit, and maybe also clarifies to people who are completely outside the BDSM universe what the broader emotional and philosophical appeals can include.  Every person's experiences and needs are unique though.  And it doesn't matter how your circles are arranged in that little Venn Diagram in your brain, or how many or few you have--as long as you are true to yourself.

For me, BDSM is largely about how I relate to life.  It's the search for a little calm and control and trust and release in an uncertain universe.

2015 Update:  This blog has been viewed more than 800 times.  I've received dozens of thank-yous and re-shares and compliments.  If you're reading this, and you've felt like you're alone, now you know that you're not.  There are a *lot* of people out there who can relate to this in one way or another.  This has been incredibly affirming for me, and I hope it is for you too.