So, my new blogging pal over at The Other Side’s Thoughts
and I have decided it would be cool if we did some entries together on the
same, or related prompts. This week, we
decided I would write on the topic “submissive does not equal weak,” and he
would write on the topic “dominant does not equal strong.” Head here to read his entry.
There’s a common misconception I hear pretty often in pop
culture or from people who are curious about BDSM (and sometimes those who find
it repugnant) and that’s that people who identify as submissives are weak, and
that it’s somehow “better” to be a dominant.
You can see this in conjunction with another common fallacy,
which is that men are naturally dominant and women are naturally
submissive. I have never seen stats on
this, but the dominants and submissives I have run across have seemed pretty
evenly divided between various sexes and genders.
We do live in a society that still has strong patriarchal
threads running through it, which is why I believe these are two related
misapprehensions. In such a society,
women are regarded as inferior. The
culture projects an image of weakness and passivity on women and encourages
these behaviors. And since there is a
misconception that submissives are weak and passive—and inferior—naturally the
patriarchal society also assumes (and projects) that women are naturally
submissive in conversations about BDSM as well, and that men are naturally
dominant.
When we talk about “dominant” and “submissive” in the BDSM
world though, we are not talking about systems of oppression and weakness. On the contrary, we are talking about trust,
respect, and personal liberation.
What Is a Submissive?
There are as many definitions here as there are individuals. There is no “one” meaning of the word or one “true
way” to be a submissive. In fact, there
are a lot of loose categories floating around in this general sphere, each with
a myriad definitions as well.
- Submissive
- Slave
- Bottom
- Pet
- Etc.
Arguably, none of these terms is particularly descriptive,
nor are there enough to fit every mode of being (including mine). Each could be argued to be a misnomer in one
or more ways. I’m not writing this to
debate the finer points of obedience vs. submission. The “weak” or “inferior” stereotype is
applied to all these categories, and
anyone in this general area of life.
What Does the Word Submissive Mean?
I took the word “submissive” and looked it up in a
thesaurus.
Here are some synonyms I find:
Weak, passive, meek, docile, ingratiating, pliant …
Ouch. And I’m trying
to argue that submissives—and others operating in similar orbits—are not these things?
The definitions and synonyms for “subservient” are just as
bad. I also looked up “subordinate,”
thinking that sounded neutral and connotation-free … but even that word lists
the definition “of less or secondary importance.”
In a very broad sense, I find it bizarre that we tend to
call those lower on the chain of command “inferiors” and those above them
“superiors.” That we see those lower on
that chain as “less important.” This is
true in the office, in the military … How incredibly senseless is that? Then again, we live in a world where a lot of
people are truly weak, and give their
service to employers and commanders who have not earned it—and sometimes even
to unworthy families, partners, lifestyles and priorities. That
is inferior behavior. Equally so is the
behavior of any person who takes advantage of it and demands or accepts
unearned service.
But where service is earned - in a personal relationship, in the military, in the workforce, whatever - nobody is inferior. Every person is fulfilling an essential, valued role.
Submissives Tend to Be Strong People
Getting back to the specific world of kink, let’s talk about
why submissives, slaves, bottoms, pets and their ilk tend to be strong people, whether they are male or
female or other-gendered.
Are there weak people who tend to be submissives? Of course.
There are weak people who crop up in every walk of life. But the reality is, it takes great courage to
live any “alternative” lifestyle, or even to embrace your own nature in a world
that tells you every day that it is not OK to be yourself!
It also takes courage and strength to overcome the
stereotypes that submissives and masochists are weak and be yourself in spite
of those misleading images.
Let’s answer some of the common charges:
- “Submissives are weak, because they need someone else to tell them what they want.”
Actually, most submissives are very in touch with what they
want. They have gone through the
challenge of struggling for self-awareness, and know what they are. They are confident, forthright, and with each
step they take, they embrace the next challenge along the path to expressing
their identity.
- “Submissives are weak, because they need someone else to make decisions for them.”
Actually, someone who is submissive in one area of life may
be quite dominant in another, and used to making hard decisions. They may simply want a break from that
ongoing pressure. And submission itself is a decision, a choice to trust someone
else. And that requires all kinds of
courage, and the strength to follow through.
- “Submissives are weak, because they bend to someone else’s will.”
Somebody who imposes over someone else in a way that truly
defies consent is an abuser, not a real dominant, and not a strong or willful person. Somebody who bends to oppression isn’t a
submissive, but rather someone who lacks self-respect or courage.
Submissives do not cower under abusers; they align their own
will with the will of a dominant they respect and trust. It takes strength of character to recognize someone
who deserves service and to render it.
And what of the submissive who doesn’t even have a partner? That person has the strength to withhold
service from all who do not deserve it.
A submissive without a dominant (or something else to serve) serves his
or her integrity. A submissive with a dominant continues serving that
integrity through the relationship.
- “Submissives are weak, because they are easily pliable.”
… Try telling someone else’s submissive what to do and watch
what happens. Many submissive people
will doggedly refuse orders from anyone but their chosen dominant(s), and would
consider it an affront to their relationships or their integrity to do so. Submission is a gift. With very serious submissives, it is earned,
not freely given.
The Bottom Line …
… Is that submissives are not weak, passive, bendable
people. There is nothing about being a
submissive that demands weakness, and actually, like any alternative lifestyle
in a culture that is pretty closed off, it practically demands strength. But it’s
what you bring to the table and what you do with it that counts. As my friend Mike says in his entry on being
a truly strong dominant, “When it comes down to it there are many types of
strength, and every one of them is either part of you before you gain a
submissive/slave... Or not.”
Whatever sex or gender you are, and however you choose to
express your nature, all that matters is that you bring out the best in
yourself. If you fall somewhere on the
submissive spectrum, be the best submissive you can be. If you fall somewhere on the dominant
spectrum, be the best dominant you can be.
As long as you choose to be yourself and uphold your integrity, you aren’t weak,
unimportant, or inferior in any way … You are one thing, and that’s magnificent.
