The line between pain and suffering is monumental.
It is the difference
Between volition and violation
Between self and oblivion
Between sense and madness
Suffering happens when pain—or some other agent or experience—crosses and smudges that critical line.
I am writing this today because I’m scared shitless. I’m not going to lie. Eleven years ago, sudden, chronic, intense pain turned my life upside down.
Scratch that. Not just pain.
Suffering.
I have had the great fortune to fight effectively forward, and for years now, that pain has been relatively in remission.
Right now, I am going through a tough time. Knock on wood, gods willing, and with nature and luck on my side, I am just dealing with a hitch in the road. Regardless, I have finally decided to face my fears head-on and try and get proactive again with managing this condition.
But I also struggle with anxiety, and I hyper-focus—likely a result both of the anxiety itself and of likely but undiagnosed autism.
Facing fear for me is incredibly hard. I am sure anyone can say that. But the harder I fight, the harder depression and terror tend to crash in on me, and right now I am reliving a lot of memories I’d sooner forget. Ironically, that is both from the flare-up and the new efforts at addressing the long-term condition.
To help me confront my fears and move forward positively—and to honour a promise I made before my fear got into full swing, I am going to do the same thing I did last time to cope, only this time I am going to do it out loud, and I am going to do it in this blog.
I am going to share my obsession with topics involving pain, torture, trauma, isolation, captivity, powerlessness, control, and will.
I have long intended to write a philosophical series on BDSM, but I can see now that the reason I haven’t been able to approach it is because doing so involves delving into that line I mentioned before between pain and suffering.
And that requires a broader look at both.
So going forward, I will be examining the brutal psychological and spiritual effects of acute and chronic suffering in a way that I hope is more honest and substantial than most of what I read online.
My thesis is that BDSM’s spiritual value is in providing an experience and a life philosophy that stands in direct opposition to suffering.
True torture—whether at the hands of human beings or nature—is a brutal erasure of the line that divides self from oblivion.
BDSM—or any practice of conscientious sadism or masochism—is the opposite. It is the practice of recognizing, honoring and protecting that sacrosanct line. It is pain which doesn’t cause true suffering, or disfigurement of the soul.
Instead, it heals and reinforces the structure of the soul, empowering the will of the practitioner. Indeed, the guiding precept of conscientious sadism or masochism is that of the healer—not to avoid hurt, but to do no harm.
It is the choice to bring order to a chaotic universe, to bring love and respect to a world characterized by indifference. It requires a full acknowledgment of the evils of that world as a necessity. There is no other way to navigate the boundaries of that narrow, essential line without violating it.
I would say that finally writing all this in public takes courage—but it doesn’t.
Perhaps the only useful thing—and I hesitate strongly to call it that—about suffering is the fact that it is a stark reminder that the only true horrors in life are external to our souls.
They are impositions on our will, never the result of our will itself. True will is never something to fear—only the suppression of it.
You might fear how the world will react to who you are.
But you never, ever have to fear being yourself, because that is always a force for good.
It doesn’t take courage to embrace that. All it really takes is the perspective and the diligence to let go of the illusions you’ve been force-fed.
Your battle is with the world, not yourself. Save your courage for your real enemies. Don’t fight shadows inside yourself.
I hope that you will join me on this journey, and feel empowered in following your own calling.
