What is Demisexual?

Demisexual.  It’s pretty great to know there’s a word out there that roughly describes a particular aspect of how I experience relationships, an aspect that brings regular confusion and misunderstanding to my life.  The only thing is, whenever I tell someone I’m demisexual (specifically demi-pansexual), they still don’t know what it means, so I end up having to explain anyway. 

I’d like to take this entry to explain what demisexuality is, in broad terms, and what it means to me.

Demisexuality Defined

I’ll borrow the definition from AVENwiki:

A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.

As the entry goes on to explain, demisexuals are not generally attracted to anyone of any sex or gender, but if a deep connection is experienced emotionally (which may be romantic or platonic), sexual attraction may form toward that specific person or persons.  This sometimes is considered to fall on the asexual spectrum because the rest of the time, toward the rest of the world, a demisexual’s experience may be largely asexual.

The entry also points out that this is an innate orientation, not simply a choice to abstain.  This isn’t an “I’m saving myself for the right person” thing. 

There’s no internal conflict, no urge to act on any fleeting attraction when I meet someone new.  That said, if it was a choice, I’d still choose it, because it makes sense to me and tends to prevent me from wasting my time or my gifts, and I am a pragmatic person.  You could say my body and mind are in harmony when it comes to selectivity.

Primary vs. Secondary Attraction

On the AVEN page, two more terms are defined, primary attraction and secondary attraction.

• Primary attraction:  Attraction based on external qualities such as appearance or personality.
• Secondary attraction:  Attraction based on internal qualities revealed through relating and personal knowledge of another person.

Sometimes demisexuals are defined as experiencing secondary attraction only, and not primary attraction.

What follows is my personal perspective and how demisexuality relates to my own experiences.  Remember, mileage does vary; you may be demisexual and have a totally different experience or point of view.  There is a LOT of variation within the demisexual spectrum.

What Demisexuality Is Like For Me

For me, demisexuality relates to fantasies vs. urges.

I may find a person attractive that I don’t know.  I may easily be able to picture myself with that person, as a fantasy.  I can watch a film and find a certain actor or actress hot.  I can see an attractive person walking down the street and be impressed.  I may even experience sexual fantasies about an acquaintance or a friend (note that the above is not the case for many demisexual people).

But there is no urge.  I feel absolutely no desire to act on the attraction, and taken as an actual possible reality, it may even repulse me.  In that sense, I find persons I do not know well physically attractive sometimes, but they do not actively attract me. Often this also applies to people I do know well.  But it is universal with those I do not.

Not only that, but physically I find it very hard to get comfortable around anyone.  Even handshakes make my skin crawl.  Hugs from strangers make me feel violated.  This is not necessarily typical of demisexual people or asexual people.  But it often takes me a long time just to feel comfortable being physically next to someone at a restaurant or in a car—much less to hug them, give them a peck on the cheek, or even brush my arm against theirs.  And sex, or any other close physical activity?  That is way down the line as far as comfort goes. 

In that sense, I am not just demisexual, but also demiphysical (to coin a much-needed term).  There are occasional exceptions, but they are very rare.  There are close physical activities that appeal to me other than sex.  BDSM falls into this category.  So does dancing (and yes, I could be interested in either of those without sex).  I wouldn’t be comfortable doing either without a strong bond in place first outside the context of a class or workshop.

What Do I Find Attractive?

For me—and this list is just for me—here is what attracts me to a person from top to bottom, with the factors listed on top being the most essential.  Those at the bottom are way down my priority list.  This is a list for not only sexual attraction, but attraction in general.  This is what will create chemistry between me and somebody else.  It’s what might eventually get me comfortable enough to hang out regularly with someone, maybe give them a hug, or maybe (unlikely) have a sexual interest that goes beyond the realms of fantasy.

1. Values.  A shared worldview at least on some level that allows for cohesive friendship or partnership.  Mutual respect for those values or experiences that do not mesh.
2. Character.  Traits like loyalty, dedication, investment, reliability, honesty.
3. Willpower. 
4. Charisma/self-confidence and self-respect.
5. A physical and psychological sense of comfort, safety and ease (chemistry).
6. Interests and passions (shared or otherwise).
7. Personality.
8. Physical attractiveness.

As you can see, most of these things cannot be established on sight, or even on a passing acquaintance.  Values, character, willpower, self-respect, as well as many interests and passions may only be discovered with time and shared experience.  To some extent, chemistry is also something that is dependent on time and experience.  Even personality requires getting to know someone a bit.  As you can see, looks are way down at the bottom.  And my perception of looks is regularly influenced by all the bullet points above.

And some traits, like sex and gender and age, do not even make my list.  Our bodies are simply the vessels we are assigned at birth.  They are coincidental.  How could I assign significance to that?  How could I find it compellingly attractive, especially when the person in that vessel may be repulsive?  And how could what's between a person's legs determine whether I find the person compelling or not?  Those things have absolutely zero to do with any of the items that do make my list.  A person is not the body they were assigned.  A person is the sum of their choices.

Interestingly enough, I’m not sure any of the above qualify as “emotional” either, which may set me apart from the demisexual definition I brought over from AVEN.  As my best friend said to me at one point, “I personally think I'm more interested than I am empathic. I personally think it's the preferred option if you had to choose one. Empathy you have no control over. It's what I would consider messy emotions.  Interest however is a choice and indicates investment.” 

That’s what I look for in a relationship of any kind, and ultimately it’s what I also have the potential to find truly, compellingly attractive.  There needs to be genuine shared interest, a genuine choice between the partners involved to invest themselves in one another.

These things stand the test of time.  That initial burst of hormones and chemicals (emotion) that many people feel upon meeting someone new is something I sometimes feel, but my mind, body, and soul register it as unimportant, fleeting, and ultimately dull. I'm not interested in a chemical surge.  I'm interested in abiding choices I can respect, and persons who can share in them with me.

Misunderstandings Abide

Sadly, because of this, I have had many misunderstandings and miscommunications throughout my life.  Here are some common ones:

·         I may develop a physical interest in someone long after they have given up any interest in me, having assumed my indifference, or simply lost patience.  They may even misread my orientation as indecisiveness, cowardice, or malice.

·         Regularly I may set out to befriend someone, without any plans one way or another about getting physical, because I don’t know them well enough to gauge my attraction.  But I may forget that they do have plans.  This can result in all manner of unpleasantness.  A few too many of these episodes and I develop paranoia, which drives me to pursue relationships with people I know will not initially try to jump in my pants.  Of course, this results in me befriending people who will rarely return any physical interest I may later develop for them.

·         I may develop a physical interest in someone who proves viable to me by meeting my tests, only to realize later that they do not experience attraction based on those tests at all.

·         Because of how I connect to others, I may value my friendships, including the platonic ones, more deeply than they are valued by others, who may ultimately set them aside for sexual or romantic relationships.  This never fails to catch me off guard.  Sometimes others also run for the hills when they realize I am committed to them on a more intimate level than they expect from a platonic friend.  You’ll notice the word “romance” is largely not even discussed in this blog post.  You might think a demisexual person is also likely to be demiromantic, but I’m not entirely sure what romance is.  That will probably be my next blog post.

·         Surprisingly, I find I can’t gauge attraction very well long-distance.  This is because it’s hard to gauge numbers 4 and 5 in my list above without knowing someone face to face.  8 may not be a deal-breaker, but 4 and 5 can be.

·         I have a hard time relating to a lot of movies, books, etc.  There are very few demisexual-oriented stories out there. 

Because of all this, oddly enough, I’ve never gone on a date—a pretty standard human life experience.  It was that realization which prompted this entry.  I literally wouldn’t know what to do on a date.  I can’t build a relationship around a shared goal of “maybe we’ll have sex eventually.”  I understand “testing the waters” for a relationship, but to me, the unique connection should naturally and organically establish the shape of that relationship over time.  The shape it takes is the shape it takes.  I don’t have intentions beyond that when I meet somebody new.  

At the same time, nothing is worse than attempting to embark on a relationship where sexual overtones may be present, but are concealed by the other party hoping that they’ll escape the “friend zone” eventually.  Much better is honesty and up-front communication, so everyone can be clear on any intentions which do exist.  That way if there is a viable relationship, even with conflicting interests, the common interests can be found.  And if not, the relationship can be discarded, saving time and heartache.  If I develop a physical interest in someone later down the line, I tell them.  But the underlying (platonic) relationship is still the core, and because of that mutual respect, they can trust my interest will only convert to intentions if they share them.

I will be physically attracted physically to very, very few people throughout my life.  Those I do feel any urge with will already have demonstrated respect, honesty, loyalty, strength of will, and true connection on a deep and abiding level. 

And the rest, those I still won’t feel a physical urge with, even if they are incredibly close to me?  They will remain every bit as close to me and be every bit as important, because real shared interest and love are the core of my life, and there are many forms of chemistry, not just physical, but intellectual, emotional, and spiritual as well.

For me, some kind of initial “spark” intellectually or physically may make me interested in getting to know a person.  But that’s just guesswork.  The relationship is not built on that guesswork, and I do not experience guesswork as true attraction.  The relationship is built on shared experience, respect, trust, and contribution.  Only then can real, compelling attraction exist, physical or otherwise.