... Because 50 Shades of Grey Can Never Be Slammed Enough

50 Shades of Grey is an absolutely terrible book.  I say this shameless of the fact I haven't read a page of it.  All I need to know is that E.L. James, a woman who knows absolutely nothing about BDSM, decided to randomly grab her misconception of BDSM and use it to sensationalize a story about sexual abuse.  *Not* a story about BDSM.  Of course, this has led to an absolute deluge of misinformation--not to mention a frighteningly large number of women who seem to think abuse is sexy.  And misconceptions about BDSM were already rampant enough before this "author" decided to add to the damage.  

I struggled with my identification as a sadomasochist for ... oh, the overwhelming majority of my life in large part because I couldn't relate to the ridiculous media portrayals of BDSM.  Perhaps the *only* good thing to come out of the existence of this awful book is a large number of discussions and many opportunities to correct these misconceptions when I find them.

For this reason, there simply cannot be too many rants about 50 Shades of Grey.  So I will re-share my friend Mike's latest post, just on principle. Read it here:

http://othersidesthoughts.blogspot.com/2014/10/fifty-shades-of-grey-bdsm-and-abuse.html

Here are just a few of the problems I am aware of with this book:

• Grey coerces a sexually inexperienced woman into signing a contract as an ultimatum.
• Grey has no clue what aftercare is.
• Grey ignores their safe word.
• Anastasia ignore's Grey's own limits.
• Grey literally stalks Anastasia and is bent on controlling every aspect of her life--without her consent.
• Grey makes Anastasia miserable, not happy, the majority of the time, yet she seems OK with this.
• The "BDSM" practiced in this book is literally unsafe, yet presented as if it is totally normal.
• Anastasia does not seem to actually be a submissive or a masochist, and merely puts up with it in the hopes that she can eventually manipulate Grey into marrying her and doing what she wants him to do (in other words, she is abusive as well).
• Grey claims to be be a dominant as a result of sexual abuse he endured as a child.  This perpetuates a false stereotype that BDSM is a psychological symptom of trauma.
• Grey offers to give up BDSM at the end because he apparently doesn't need it anymore now that he finally has the right woman (yep, apparently you can outgrow a kink).  Of course, she humors him and lets him keep it since she won.
• No one mentions this, but ultimately, isn't this basically just a book about a woman trying to "fix" a man?  A billionaire man?  I doubt you'd see this same novel about a poor man.  Time tested formula, again, sensationalized with bullshit about BDSM which simply isn't true.

I think it is worth mentioning that you will meet a fair number of people in the BDSM world who do use BDSM to process traumas--the difference is that the kink is not a symptom of the trauma--but rather a healing antidote.  A symptom perpetuates negative energy.  An antidote transmutes negative energy into positive growth.

For the record ...

BDSM is NOT about:

• Coercion or subjugation of anybody's will
• Perpetuating a cycle of abuse
• Ignoring limits or safety protocols
• Stalking
• Making another person feel unhappy or unsafe.
• Misogyny 
• Going through a "phase" until you find the perfect vanilla relationship

BDSM IS about:

• Safe, sane consensual activities between mature adults
• Healing and catharsis
• Trust, happiness, and care
• Sharing a comfortable, positive relationship where partners are valued equally and treat each other with respect