In the article, Maria Bello talks about her son Jackson asking her about her love life, because he's realized she's not telling him something, which turns out to be that she's become romantically involved with her friend Clare. But what I love about this article is that Bello isn't simply coming out as bisexual; she is coming out as (in her words--or her son's words, actually) "whatever." Her story really is uplifting to read for me as a polyamorous person, and one who treasures important relationships in any shape they take. Bello questions the definition of the word "partner," one I have always struggled with. It's the word I usually use to describe the man I live with, mostly because "boyfriend" seems to summon up images of prom and high school drama, not serious commitment and a long-term relationship. Yet my definition of the word "partner" is also broader than most peoples'--and so is my idea of whom it is okay to commit to.
"And I have never understood the distinction of “primary” partner," Bello writes. "Does that imply we have secondary and tertiary partners, too? Can my primary partner be my sister or child or best friend, or does it have to be someone I am having sex with? I have two friends who are sisters who have lived together for 15 years and raised a daughter. Are they not partners because they don’t have sex? And many married couples I know haven’t had sex for years. Are they any less partners?"
Bello talks about how various people in her life are all people she defines as partners--her ex, because they share her son, Clare, with whom she shares a romantic relationship, platonic friends, and even her family members, because after all, they are there for each other in an equally committed way. "Whomever I love, however I love them, whether they sleep in my bed or not, or whether I do homework with them or share a child with them, “love is love.” And I love our modern family."
That's just one of the best things I've read in ages. I also love Bello's story about finally realizing she was in love with Clare--after a long time overlooking the fact because the relationship wasn't the result of racing hormones like most sexual relationships she had jumped into in the past. We live in a culture that upholds impulse decisions as the model for what "romantic" should be. Calling someone "steady" or "reliable" is often seen as an insult--even though these are the very qualities that are absolutely necessary for a stable, happy family--whatever shape that family takes. "We had an immediate connection but didn’t think of it as romantic or sexual," she writes. "She was one of the most beautiful, charming, brilliant and funny people I had ever met, but it didn’t occur to me, until that soul-searching moment in my garden, that we could perhaps choose to love each other romantically. What had I been waiting for all of these years? She is the person I like being with the most, the one with whom I am most myself."
What's interesting to me is that is what realizing I am in love with someone almost always feels like--whether that love is felt or expressed platonically or not. It's that realization that you've built a wealth of wonderful shared experiences with someone, and that you have that perfect intimacy with that person based on a real, meaningful connection. Ms. Bello doesn't sound to be demisexual, but as a demisexual person, I can relate very much to how her relationship with Clare developed. It's very different from the "in love" of racing hormones that most people talk about when they talk about falling in love (and which she talks about too, with her past relationships). But it's the "in love" that's worked for me.
Maria Bello's article is courageous, and so is her choice to value all the important relationships in her life. It really makes me happy to see someone of this stature sharing her journey like this. As she concludes at the end of her article, "Maybe, in the end, a modern family is just a more honest family."
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