What Polyamory Isn’t

Polyamory:  The philosophy or state of being in love or romantically involved with more than one person at the same time.

That’s the definition I get when I Google it.  It’s not bad actually.  There are variable definitions of polyamory, but that one actually fits pretty closely to my own.

I always liked this one for myself:

Polyamory:  Where partners have the freedom to allow their relationships to take their natural course, whatever that might be.

You’ll notice neither of these definitions involve sex.  Being polyamorous can mean you’re having sex with more than one person, but remember, asexual people can be polyamorous too.  I’m not asexual, but I enjoy many different types of intimate relationships.  I feel that each relationship has an utterly unique expression, because every person is unique.

Just as every person is unique, every person has their own unique approach to how they structure their life, and our orientations are filtered through what fits us.  One person’s polyamory looks different than another’s.  Diversity rocks.

But please note:

• Polyamory is not the same thing as promiscuity.  Sure, some poly people are promiscuous.  So are some mono people.

• Polyamory is not the same thing as swinging.  Many swingers certainly are poly people, but not all poly people are swingers.  Likewise, some sexually non-monogamous people may be romantically monogamous and still identify as swingers.  These are overlap categories, not interchangeable labels.  If someone tells you they are poly, do not assume they are or are not a swinger.  And do not assume every swinger identifies as poly.  It is always best to ask.   

• Polyamory is not about casual one-night-stands.  Poly people can have them of course, and so can mono people.

• Polyamory is not identical to an open relationship, though it is one form of open relationship.  Open relationships are a broad umbrella.  Some forms may focus more on casual sexual interactions and some may even exclude emotional attachments.  Remember, poly is about more than sex.

• Poly is not just a lifestyle.  It is for some people, but for others it is an orientation.  For some people it may carry situational flexibility; for others it is set in stone.  If someone tells you they are poly, they may be referring to their lifestyle, orientation, or both.  The only way to know is to ask.

The above list is included for general reference.  Hopefully what you gather here is that poly is a broad umbrella, just like mono.

What I really want to talk about is deliberate mis-use of the word "polyamory."  Not linguistic laziness or arguments over nuances.  I want to talk about when the word "polyamory" is used to disguise disrespect and justify unhealthy behaviors in relationships.

At this link, you’ll find a piece of shit eBook which demonstrates what polyamorous is not—but what some people want you to think it is.  I run across a lot of crap like this, and it really pisses me off.  This guy is essentially saying polyamory is something you tell women you’re dating until you finally find a real “in-love” relationship, at which point you can retire from that sub-par shared existence and settle into a life of happy monogamy. 

That's insulting to pretty much everybody.  I wouldn't have a problem if he just called it "non-exclusive dating for monogamous people playing the field" or something like that.  But borrowing the name of an actual orientation?  Lame.  Poly people don't have relationships with multiple people because they're dissatisfied with those people and looking for the person they can be satisfied with.  They have relationships with multiple people because all of those relationships are deeply fulfilling to them.  It isn't a means to an end.  It is the ultimate happy expression for them.

Check out these horrible excepts which are awful, awful, awful:

“To determine if you should be monogamous with a woman or polyamorous with her, you need to know how to tell the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.”

“The next rule is that you must let her go at some point – you cannot hold on to her forever. You both should enter a polyamorous relationship knowing that you are together only temporarily, so if she finds a man who is better for her than you are, you must encourage that relationship.”

“Constantly reinforce the idea that you are not ultimately going to be the man for the women you are polyamorous with so that they don’t start to think you’re in a consummate love relationship when you’re not … Until you each find ideal mates, you must help each other to do so and learn everything you can from each other along the way.”

… Stuff like this annoys me, but what really set me over the edge was that today, I talked to an acquaintance who asked me to help her by giving her perspective.  She told me she is monogamous and having a hard time adjusting to her partner suddenly announcing he must live a poly lifestyle as befits his apparent orientation.  When I started the conversation, I expected her to give me a situation where both she and her partner were behaving reasonably and having a hard time understanding each others’ orientations.

Instead, she tells me about a guy who sounds like he read this eBook and adopted it as his dating mantra so he can hedge his relationship bets.  I don't know if he's a bad guy or just a lost guy.  He's not the subject of this blog--just one person who has fallen into a familiar pattern I have seen many times before.

I am tired of people grabbing the word “polyamory” and hiding behind it like a shield while they treat their partners with disrespect or hedge their bets in their relationships.  It doesn’t matter whether the person doing it is poly or monogamous.  What they are doing is disrespectful, to their partners, and to responsible poly people who are working hard to cultivate meaningful, lasting, powerful relationships.

Here is a list of unhealthy things polyamory is not:

• Polyamory is not cheating.  Polyamory is not about having sex behind your partner’s back.  Nor is it about “legitimizing” cheating.  Just telling someone else “I’m having sex with other people” with total disregard to their emotions is a violation.  Will everyone in a poly or hybrid relationship be comfortable 100% of the time?  Probably not (life is messy), but no one should be disregarding anyone’s feelings or needs.  Poly is not a way to say, “I am going to and have sex with whomever I want, and if you don’t like it, you can fuck off.”  That is just craptastic behavior.

• Polyamory is not a flag you can wave so you can go irresponsibly shagging whomever you want with no responsibility or consequences.

• Polyamory is not about having someone “on the side.”

• Polyamory is not a way to conveniently hedge your bets on one relationship while you evaluate another.   

• Polyamory is not an excuse to run off on your partner and avoid dealing with issues in the relationship.

• Polyamory is not about breaking the rules or trust in a relationship.  There are many shapes that poly and hybrid relationships can take.  The rules set by parties in a relationship can vary, but those rules are to be respected and honoured.

• Polyamory is not an excuse to avoid commitment, or a relationship structure that the poly person engages in until he or she finds “the one” and then settles into a life of blissful monogamy, leaving behind a trail of broken relationships and “expendable” partners. 

• Poly is not about disregarding your partners’ emotions or emotional needs.

• Poly is not an excuse to avoid one person and replace your intimacy with them with another because you are too much of a coward to deal with the problems between the two of you.  This is not about avoiding responsibility.  It is about taking responsibility for multiple intimate relationships, and all the challenges that go therewith.  

• Polyamory is not a quick fix for a relationship that is in trouble.  Again, avoiding an issue by turning to someone else for comfort will resolve nothing on its own.  In some situations, it may make things worse. 

• Poly is not something you do because you are unhappy with your current partner. 

The takeaway here should be this:

To people being hurt in relationships:

If someone is behaving like an abusive, selfish jackarse to you, it is not because of that person’s orientation.  That is not what being poly is about, any more than it is what being mono is about.  Anyone of any orientation can behave like a jerk.

Having healthy poly relationships and healthy mono or hybrid relationships involves the same qualities:  trust, respect, honesty, compassion, patience, communication, and decency. 

If those qualities are absent, it is not an orientation issue.  It is just a bad relationship—or a relationship that is damaged and needs help, if you think it’s worth fighting for.

To people hurting others:

If you want to be a jerk, or a coward, or hedge your bets in your relationships … stop hiding behind “polyamory.”  I don’t care if you’re actually polyamorous or not.  Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t.  Whatever your orientation is, you will not find or create happiness or stable relationships by behaving like a jerk or coward.

And all you are doing is hurting the rest of us—those of us who are poly and strive to lead responsible lives and build healthy, happy relationships.

It really sucks when I tell someone I am polyamorous and they think I am saying I am a cheating jerk who has found a loophole to get away with it.

Building any solid relationship is really hard work. 

Building multiple ones is even harder.  It doesn’t involve less work or less insecurity.  It involves more of both.  It isn’t an escape from responsibility.  It’s exactly the opposite.  It is a responsibility to be your absolute best to every person you become intimate with.

While there are many differences between us, in that sense, poly and mono people are exactly the same.  We owe the people we love the very best we can give them.